Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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