We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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