So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
