My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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