I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
