i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
