You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
