Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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