HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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