respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
