I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
