Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
