: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
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