went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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