based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
We named our party play list daddy issues
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
