There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
