Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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