Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy�
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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