boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
