i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
