shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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