heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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