I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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