so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
She made me pour olive oil on her.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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