Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
