my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
