How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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