If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
she looked like the before picture.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
