I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
