Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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