note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
