Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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