I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
we made out on top of his cat.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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