i would punch a child for taco bell
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I'm too high and old for this...
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
