got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
