none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
