1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
