I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
