i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
