my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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