He kissed a someone with a penis
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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