everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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