Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
