Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
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