having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
