everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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