Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
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