Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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