i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
