apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Randomize
