Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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