Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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