I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
