eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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